4th June 2022 10am
Do you think you’re crazy? I’m here to tell you, you are not alone. But I’m also here to tell you, you are not crazy.
You know that feeling inside the pit of your stomach? Where something feels…cringy…? Many may refer to it as your gut feeling or gut instinct.
Well, I ignored this feeling and eventually I was deceived because of my choice to forego any cringy or “something doesnt feel right” feeling.
Let me explain. Hi, if this is your first read of my journal entries, welcome. I’ve struggled with an onslaught of addiction and behaviors that really don’t show my appreciation and gratitude for what I have been given in life. My choices have lead me down some dark paths. I believed I had finally found the way out, and I did! But just as I thought I was at my strongest point in life, through a spiritual, temporal, and emotional lens, I was hard-core blindsided because I didnt listen to the “cringy-something-doesnt-feel-right” feeling.
I had an influence in my life who quoted scripture, prophets, and claimed to be receiving revelation and promptings from the spirit, and this was someone I considered to be a close friend. Someone I’ve known over the last 5+ years. We went to church together, we worshiped together, we cried and laughed together. This was someone I trusted.
This experience taught me a potential pattern of philosophies of men mingled with scripture. This could also be repharased as philosphies of friends mingled with scripture. Especially if used to persuade, manipulate or brag about ones spirituality and ability to receive constant revelation, as if they have am open conduit from heaven and God is speaking to them 24/7.
I thought I was a bad person because I wasn’t receiving constant revelation like this person. On may 17th she called and claimed she felt prompted to call me. I was in the middle of listening to a podcast from a locap therapist. I thought he had some good tools he was teaching the listener, so I wondered if I was being led astray and my friend was here to teach me truth.
I told her I only had 5 minutes to talk. I had left her a voicemail to apologize about something I had done, and she said Heavenly Father wanted her to tell me that His spirit had withdrawn from me, and that I didn’t owe her an apology, I owed Him and apology. This didn’t make sense because I had already asked for forgiveness. So I wondered if maybe I wasnt sincere, so then I believed what she said because I have an addiction and struggle daily! I truly thought she was talking with God and He was telling her these things, even though I reasoned against it several times.
So she portrayed God as continously talking to her. She spoke as if Heavenly Father were really talking to her, and even thought “something didn’t feel right” I thought it was because I was, for lack of a better word, not worthy and not able to have the God’s Power in my life.
BEWARE THE PHILOSOPHIES OF MEN MINGLED WITH SCRIPTURE
I’d like to say I have the truth, but really truly the only way to truth is through the Savior. I am just a person, and I can’t lead you. Only through Christ, the Lord omnipotent can truth be received.
I thought I was being lead to truth through another person, and thus experience REALLY hurt.
In 2016, I decided to leave Amy habits and behaviors behind. This was hard! I had to move and get rid of things that tied my mind back to people and situations that caused triggers and flashbacks to painful memories.
During this process I had to leave friends behind, but I also prayed for a new friend. A true friend. And along came, *Diana. We weren’t bosom buddies at first, but over time we shared a lot of spiritual knowledge and quests together. Our lives seemed to parallel one anithers in regard to trial hardship and other spiritual pursuits.
We’ve been in each other’s lives for the last 6 years. I definitely felt connected to her, perhaps more so than to my husband. THIS WAS NOT OKAY. And I wondered about thus off and on again. I just felt more spiritually connected to Diana. She often shared “revelations” and “promptings” she was receiving. It seemed she had a continual conduit of knowledge from the heavens.
I felt inspired by her, but at times… something didn’t feel right in the pit of My stomach. That gut instinct seemed to signal something was off, especially since this past March of 2022.
She bore her testimony about the Savior, and I just remember feeling…uncomfortable. I thought this meant there was something wrong with me! I remember being taught that spirit recognizes spirit, and “bad” is uncomfortable around “good.”
Well, I still have many habits that take me away from Christ, so I thought, there was something wrong with me because of my addictions. So I began to mistake the cringey feeling for this idea that Diana’s better than me and I’m worse than her. I felt shame, guilt, all manner or yucky feelings!
She repeatedly discussed revelation and promptings she received from Heavenly Father. She often asked if we could pray together. Can you see how I placed too much trust in someone based on what I was seeing over what I was feeling?
“Something doesn’t feel right” is an indicator that SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT. So. Trust that feeling. Eventually I allowed myself to be deceived. This was a hard lesson to learn. Are you ready for the story?
I WAS DECEIVED. LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES!
I had felt for several years I needed to see a therapist, but then I would reason against this thought. It wasn’t until I was camping and had a dream that is too personal to share where essentially I came to understand I needed therapy.
I began to move forward by calling and leaving a voicemail on one therapists line, and a got on a waiting list for another therapist. In the meantime I began listening to a podcast from a local therapist. He gave some good tips. And then, my friend called. “I feel prompted to call you ” she said. “Oh. Okay?” I can’t even remember all that she said but at one point she instructed me on how to overcome anxiety which I will not repeat here for sever reasons.
I began doing everything she taught me. Even thought, something felt off. Fast forward to the next day, and I believed I was following a true and correct source of knowledge and instruction.
It wasn’t until my sister in law showed up and i shared with her my “revelations” and before leaving she shared with me what she knew to be true. I felt a burning I’m my bosom. A sure way of knowing what I was receiving was truth. I immediately questioned what I had received… and gasped…”I think I have been deceived….” my sister in law looked concerned. She eventually left.
Later that day I went to see a replica of the tabernacle described in the Bible. As I was there I kept questioning everything… had I been deceived? Somethings not right. But what? At the end of the tour, I entered a chapel building of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and they had the most beautiful music and images of the Savior. Again I felt that same feeling in my chest. Only this time.. it was more of a peaceful feeling that filled my bosom, confirming that this was truth.
I had been deceived. I thought I was receiving light and truth from a correct source. I apologized to several I had potentially lead astray those few days, especially my husband. It was scary. It was truly a scary experience. One that I hope to prevent others from falling for.
I do not have the whole truth. I have bits and pieces. Light and truth can only come from one source. I can only bate witness of what I know and what I believe.
I believe in God. I believe in Jesus Chrsit. I believe that the Savior died for us, so I can live with God and my family again if I live righteously. I have a hope in Christ. I believe in the power of the Holy Ghost. I believe in revelation. I believe that we have living prophets and Apostles that walk the earth today to lead and guide God’s people. I believe Christ’s church has been restored through the prophet, Joseph Smith. I believe all people can come to a knowledge of this truth if they feast upon the words of Christ and experiment to know for themselves. I believe Christ will return to the earth and reign in His glory. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.